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The Handmaid's Tale Workout (for when it all goes to Gilead) by Michelle Burleson

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WARNING 1: HANDMAID'S TALE SEASON TWO, EP. 1 & 2 SPOILERS

WARNING 2: If your senses are easily scandalized and your sense of humor went out for cigarettes and never came back, it's best you move along.

So, at this morning's swole sisters barbells-n-brekkie workout, we discussed the first two episodes of the new season of The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu. 

Shocking. 

Enraging.

Engaging.

Frightening.

Yes. Yes. Yes. But...

... here's the bright side:

If this dystopian nightmare seems a little too prescient for America's future, relax.

Here's what season two is teaching us (good and bad) about staying fit should your ovaries make you prime Handmaid material and/or you need your husband's permission to make physical fitness.

  • SCARED SHITLESS COLONIC

    • Verdict: Unhealthy/Don't Try at Home

Photo copyright Hulu
 

Not only does this set-up take a lot of time and equipment for minimal results, it's probably not great for the environment. Is the wood from a sustainable forest? Is the rope organic hemp? Crapping yourself senseless by threat of hanging is stupid to lose weight and keep it off. You'll end up dehydrated and sick with a compromised gut biome. Also, splinters. Why not work on filling out that frumpy robe with some broad shoulders? Try this:

  • ISO HOLDS FOR BOULDER SHOULDERS

    • Verdict: Brilliant. Can be done anywhere. Even in the cell of your captor's home or while being tortured on a playground in the rain.

Photo copyright Hulu
Forget to pay your phone bill and stone your friend, Janine, to death again?
It happens.
Stop beating yourself up because Aunt Lydia's going to do it anyway!
Make the most of what's coming to you by performing these heavy stone isometric holds (do on one knee for more core challenge). These will give you those round, broad shoulder caps that no one will ever see. Also, don't forget to switch hands (when the cattle prod lady isn't looking). 

  • RING THE BELL FOR BICEPS!

    • Verdict: 50/50. Pros: great bicep pump. Cons: Gives away your location.

    Photo copyright Hulu

    Bell-ringing to the whole neighborhood is the equivalent of the gym locker room mirror selfie. It screams, "Please pay attention to me. I need external validation!"

    Unless you're Aunt Lydia, I suggest laying low. The rope climb in and of itself, though, works your biceps like no barbell can. Moreover, it's great cardio. So, really decide how important the mirror muscles are to you this summer before heading to the bell tower. 

    • INCLINE BITCH PRESS (advanced)

      • Verdict: Great for developing upper pecs. 

    handmaid's tale workout no fail physique transformation for women

    Photo copyright Hulu
    Don't try this til you've been in the Handmaid game for a few years. If you've found the near-starvation conditions have made your sternum appear skeletal, consider bench pressing the nearest complicit bitch the next time you're probed like an alien abduction. The incline will activate the upper pectorals while pushing into the gyno stirrups through the heels will offer added stability. 

    • P.S.S.

      • Verdict: When in Rome....

    Photo copyright Hulu
    If you thought P90X took the world by storm, wait til the war on women takes your wife and child to Canada... leaving you with stitches in all the wrong places!
    Just because you lose your family doesn't mean you should lose your figure, too.
    Move over, P90X. It's time for the hottest trend in The Colonies!

     P.S.S.

    Also known as Poison Soil Shoveling*. Pretty self-explanatory.
    This is total body. *Most weight loss will not be fat tissue but layers upon layers of skin tissue and liquifying of vital organs.
    Blessed be the fructose.
    Your pal,
    Michelle
    Handmaid's tale handmaid's tale workout

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